Have you ever loved somebody?
by Himlafrost
Summary: Emma tells Shalimar how she feels. The italic text is the lyrics


AN; I was inspired to write this EmShal fic when I listened to the song "Have you ever" by Brandy. I hope you like it, even if it might be a little dark.

Have you ever loved somebody?

Emma was lying on her back in the bed, it was early in the morning, and after hours of thinking she had finally fallen asleep. She had been struggling with her own emotions for some time now, not quite sure of what she was feeling. Was it love? She thought so, but then she wasn't sure, cause love wasn't a feeling she was very used to. Sure she had loved, she loved her friends and the family she had had. But she had never really loved someone before. And it was hard. Especially when she couldn't talk to anyone about it.

Her alarm clock went on, and she turned around in the bed to snooze it. Her head fell back onto the pillow and she sighed into it. "You're just being stupid you know that!" she said to herself.

"I am?" She heard a female voice ask from the door. She turned around quickly to see her team mate, Shalimar, stand in the doorway. "Sorry," Shalimar spoke "I was just gonna see if you were awake, Adam wants to talk to us."

Emma growled. "I'm coming." she answered as she sunk back into bed. "Just give me a second."

Shalimar left the room and Emma sighed. "Stupid" she repeated to herself before she got out of bed. She shivered as her feet reached the cold floor. At this point she didn't care to get changed so she walked out to the other team mates in her PJs. Adam gave her a funny look when she got out to them. "Are you okay Emma?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure." Emma grunted. "Just tired." She scratched her belly. "What's this meeting about?"

"Well, the guys and I are gonna go on a mission, we'll be gone a few days so I want you and Shalimar to stay here and keep an eye on things." Adam replied.

Emma simply looked at him. "Sure, that's fine."

Her team mated looked at her completely puzzled, they had never seen their friend like this.

"So, um... you two take care of each other. And we'll see you in a few days."

They said their byes and the guys were off. Emma went back into her room and turned on the radio. She fell back on her bed and tried to relax. It seemed like an impossibility at this point, but she stayed in bed, uncapable and unwilling to move.

The song on the radio were coming to an end and she closed her eyes, trying to get the image of Shalimar off of her mind. But she knew it wouldn't work. Nothing worked these days, her life was a mess for the first time ever since she joined Mutant X.

A new song came out of the speakers.

_Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry?_

Emma inhaled. She hated this situation, and she hated herself for having these feelings.

_Have you ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night?_

"You have no idea..." She whispered.

_Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right?_

She thought about how nasty she had been to Shalimar lately, eve though she didn't want to. And when she caught that glimpse of hurt in Shalimar's eyes it broke her heart, but still there was nothing she could do to stop herself from saying and doing nasty things. _'I love her,' _Emma thought _'but all I do is hurt her.'_

_Have you ever been in love_

_Been in love so bad_

_You'd do anything_

_To make them understand?_

She turned around in the bed so she was on her belly and buried her face in the pillow. She didn't want to cry again, it seemed like that was all she had been doing lately. She couldn't remember the last time she slept through a whole night, without nightmares or dreams about her feral friend.

_Have you ever had someone_

_Steal your heart away_

_You'd give anything_

_To make them feel the same?_

At this point she would do anything, cause she knew she couldn't keep living like this. She couldn't think about anything but Shalimar. She had even lost her psionic abilities, something she, of course, hadn't told Adam, or anyone else for that matter. What would she say? She couldn't tell them that it was cause her mind was stuck on something, or rather, someone, else. And keeping things from them only made her feel even more guilty, not only did she put herself in danger, but also the people she loved the most. Mutant X was the only real family she had ever had, and the only security she had in life. Without them she was nothing.

_Have you ever searched for words to get in their heart_

_But you don't know what to say_

_And you don't know where to start?_

Could she ever really tell them? Could she ever really come clean to Shalimar, stand up in front of her and tell her that she loved her? It felt impossible. She couldn't risk losing all of them, she would never survive that.

_Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry?_

_Have you ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night?_

_Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right?_

The tears were burning behind her eyelids, she didn't want to cry again so she tried to press them back. But it didn't work, and it didn't take long before the pillow was soaked of all the tears.

There was a knock on the door but Emma didn't care to reply, cause she didn't want Shalimar to know that she had been crying. But since she didn't answer Shalimar walked into the room. She sat down on the edge of the bed and stroked Emma's hair.

"Emma..." She sounded worried. "are you okay? Please talk to me..."

Emmas shoulders were shaking, and she was crying so hard that she could barely speak. "I- I can't..."

"Of course you can. Come on, sit up and talk to me." Shalimar pulled up the younger woman and sat beside her on the bed. "Emma, I'm worried." Shalimar looked unhappy.

_Have you ever found the one_

_You dreamed of all your life_

_You'd do just about anything_

_To look into their eyes_

Emma looked into the feral's eyes and sighed. "I love you Shalimar." She said in one breath. She didn't realize what she said until it was already too late. Shalimar froze for a second but then put her arm around Emma. "I love you too Em, you're my best friend."

Emma shook her head. "No, not like that" she said. "I love you as more than a friend." She was still watching the feral, even though it was hard. She already knew that Shalimar didn't feel the same way about her, it was written all over her face.

"I don't know what to say Emma..." Shalimar looked sad. "You're my best friend, and I don't want to lose you. But..." she inhaled. "I'm in love with someone else..."

_Have you finally found the one_

_You've given your heart to_

_Only to find that one_

_Won't give their heart to you?_

Emmas heart broke all over again, and she didn't know what to say. The tears were running down her cheeks, and she couldn't find a way to stop them. All she wanted to do was to go to bed and never get out of there anymore. Nothing would ever be the same between them anymore, and she hated herself for ruining things. And for having these feelings.

_Have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there_

_And al you can do is wait_

_For the day when they will care?_

Emma knew Shalimar would never feel that way about her, she was ready to give up. She rose, couldn't stand to feel Shalimar's touch. For the first time ever she wished the feral gone. She didn't want to be close to her, not now. She couldn't, it hurt too much.

_Have you ever loved somebody_

_So much_

_Makes you wanna break down and cry_

_So, so bad_

"Can you go?" She whispered

"Emma, please..." Shalimar begged, but right now Emma didn't care. She needed to be alone.

"Please, just leave me alone." She crossed her arms over her chest and the feral left the room.

_What do I gotta do to get you in my arms, baby_

_What do I gotta say to get to your heart_

_To make you understand_

_How I need you next to me_

_Gotta get you in my world_

_Cause baby, I can't sleep_

When Shalimar had left and the door was closed Emma fell down to the floor, crying. She wanted away, she wished herself gone. Why could her life never be easy? Was this how her life was supposed to be? Just a big struggle? She didn't want to fight anymore, she was tired of it all.

_Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry?_

_Have you ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night?_

_Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right?_

_Have you ever?_

_Have you ever?_

The song faded, but Emma was left on the floor, crying. And all she wanted was away.


End file.
